In my world, when it rains…. it pours. Everything feels so overwhelming at times. When I’m down I just want to stay there. When I need the most motivation I just can’t seem to find it in myself. While I want to believe everything will be okay in some pseudo ending, I know I will probably continue to spin around in circles until otherwise noted. This was NOT supposed to be my life. I made a wrong turn a long time ago. I am drowning in consequences, not all of my own. When do I get to come up for air?
I am a good person. I would cut off my left arm if you needed it. Give someone the shirt off my back. I buy the person behind me in the Dunkin line breakfast at least once a week. I am kind to those who are not kind to me. I am judged everyday by people who know me and people who don’t. I know all about coming from the ground up. When I tell people “my story”, most are shocked. I didn’t have the picture perfect childhood growing up. But I didn’t let that stop me. Though it would have been easy to do, I refused to become a victim of circumstance.
My children are my world. They are the sun to my shine. I meet their every want and need, and me alone. While I wouldn’t have it any other way, let’s face it; it’s a huge responsibility. I do daily what most 2 parent families have trouble doing. While I have perfected it over the years, it’s still enough work for two parents. Financially over the years, things have been tough. I worked hard to obtain a degree while working full time and being the sole care giver to a newborn and rambunctious two year old. Easy? No. Worth it? You bet. These days financial concerns are not at the top of my list, due to the sacrifices I made to obtain my degree.
There are few moments I actually feel at peace. The calm…. I like to refer to it as. Most days I feel like I am stuck on a merry go round with no off switch. I am constantly on the go. There are always at least 5 more things that needed to be done each day that I didn’t have time to get to. I had a moment of calm this morning, and it was probably the best 60 seconds I have experienced in weeks. For a whole moment I felt like everything was going to be okay. I didn’t have 5,000 things running through my head and I stopped caring long enough to savor it. For that moment, I had no doubt in my mind that these next few years will not have anything that I can’t handle by myself. In the calm…. I felt ready, for all 3 of us.
It’s not easy juggling what I have on my plate. Quite often not even those who would understand are kind. Life has no compass, no plan. Just like most little girls I imagined myself as a beautiful princess, tiara and all, being swept away by prince charming, riding off on a white horse into the sunset, and living happily ever after. I got my fairy tale, except mine came with 2 prince charming’s who call me Mommy.